sexta-feira, 30 de abril de 2010

Here are some quotes from the ads of various newspapers.
Can you figure out what's wrong with each one? Maybe there is nothing wrong and the ad is just plain funny.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 0 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

Great Dames for sale.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

See ladies blouses. 50% off!

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Mother's helper -- peasant working conditions.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.

When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and U-P after.


THE ITALIAN WHO WENT TO NEW YORK
O ITALIANO QUE VIAJOU A NOVA IORQUE

(Must be read with an Italian accent)

One day ima gonna Nuyok to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want to piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna to piss onma plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand, I wanna fock on the table. She say you better no fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch.

I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: - Peace on you. I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.

Ode to the Word "Fuck".
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word fuck. It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, fuck falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary fucks really well). It can be an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or a noun (Mary is a great fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (The fucking girl wasn't satisfied) or as an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary!). It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is stupid, fuck she's an idiot). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word fuck - a must in every ESL classroom.
Also, on the level of semantics, it covers quite a variety of meanings. Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:
    1. Greetings: "How the fuck are ya?"
    2. Fraud: "I got fucked by the car dealer."
    3. Resignation: "Oh, fuck it!"
    4. Trouble: "I guess I'm fucked now."
    5. Aggression: "FUCK YOU!"
    6. Authority: "Get the fuck out of here!"
    7. Disgust: "Fuck me."
    8. Confusion or perplexity: "What the fuck .......?"
    9. Difficulty: "I don't understand this fucking business!"
    10. Despair: "Fucked again ..."
    11. Pleasure: "I fucking couldn't be happier."
    12. Displeasure: "What the fuck is going on here?"
    13. Lost: "Where the fuck are we? - Bum fuck!"
    14. Astonishment and disbelief: "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!"
    15. Retaliation: "Up your fucking ass!"
    16. Denial: "I didn't fucking do it."
    17. Being informed: "I know all the fuck about it."
    18. Apathy: "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?" / "I don't give a flying fuck"
    19. Questioning authority: "Who the fuck are you?"
    20. Panic: "Let's get the fuck out of here."
    21. Annoyance: "Fuck off." / "Go fuck yourself."
    22. Amazement: "How the fuck did you do that?"
    23. Skepticism or an offensive response to threat: "Are you fucking with me?"
It can be used in an anatomical description - "He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time - "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business - "How did I end up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal - "Motherfucker."
It can be political - "Fuck Dan Quayle!"

It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:

    "What the fuck was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima
    "Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" - General Custer
    "Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" - Captain of the Titanic
    "That was a real fucking gun!" - John Lennon
    "Who's gonna fucking find out?" - Richard Nixon
    "Heads are going to fucking roll." - Anne Boleyn
    "Let the fucking woman drive." - Commander of Space Shuttle "Challenger"
    "What fucking map?" - Mark Thatcher
    "Any fucking idiot could understand that." - Albert Einstein
    "It does so fucking look like her!" - Picasso
    "How the fuck did you work that out?" - Pythagoras
    "You want what on the fucking ceiling?" - Michaelangelo
    "Fuck a duck." - Walt Disney
    "Why?! Because its fucking there!" - Edmund Hilary
    "It's a fucking skin condition." - Michael Jackson
    "I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head." - John F. Kennedy
    "I'll shoot you if you fuck with my gun." - Charlton Heston
    "Scattered showers, my fucking ass." - Noah

Here's some more funny stuff for you:

GLOSSÁRIO DE UM TRADUTOR BRASILEIRO QUE ESTUDOU NUM CURSINHO RÁPIDO, PORQUE NÃO TINHA TEMPO A PERDER:

Layout .................................... Fora da lei
Go home .................................Vá a Roma
He is my son ........................... Ele e maçon
US Mail .................................. Meio dos Estados Unidos
I don't care ............................. Eu não quero
Go ahead ................................ Gol de cabeça
Broken heart ........................... Coração bronqueado
Are you sick? .......................... Qual e seu CIC?
What time is it? ....................... Que time é esse?
They go jogging all the time ... Eles vão jogar com todo o time (time completo)
An ice cream ........................... Crime cometido com frieza
Because .................................... Inflamação no bico
Fourteen .................................. Pessoa baixa e forte
Corn flakes .............................. Cornos e frescos
She must go ............................. Ela mastigou
It's too late ............................... É muito leite
Free shop ................................. Chopp de graça
Good stuff ................................ Boa estufa
A hot day .................................. Arrotei.
With noise ................................ Conosco
Yellow river .............................. Ela e horrível.
The boy is behind the door ....... O boi esta berrando de dor.
I'm a man .................................. Eu mamei
Once more ................................ Onde você mora?
Merry Christmas ...................... Maria foi crismada.
Today's payday ......................... Hoje peidei.
In French .................................. Em frente.
Netscape ................................... Nescafé americano
Fuck ......................................... Fuca

Fractured English!!


FRACTURED ENGLISH
(Translations into English)

Somewhere in a golf clubIn a Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing please not to read notice.

In a Bucharest hotel: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 AM daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattering of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

Lobby of a Moscow hotel across from the Russian Orthodox Monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wine leaves you with nothing to hope for.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.

In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czech tourist agency: Take one of our horse driven city tours we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn: Special to day: no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

From a Japanese information booklet about using the hotel air conditioner: Cooles and heates: if you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well talking. Here speeching American.

domingo, 1 de novembro de 2009

terça-feira, 11 de agosto de 2009

You know, we don't grow most of the food we eat. We wear clothes other people make. We speak a language that other people developed. We use a mathematics that other people evolved... I mean, we're constantly taking things. It's a wonderful, ecstatic feeling to create something that puts it back in the pool of human experience and knowledge.
— Steve Jobs